do you hear me when I cry?
I wrote this to share about a loving a God who sometimes feels distant and unjust.
I feel the band’s bass pulse through my ribcage as I stand in the front row among the congregation.
My lips echo the lyrics displayed on the large, iridescent screens, but they feel like lead in my mouth. I offer a silent apology to God for the emptiness within me, my hands heavy as weights in their upturned position.
I feel far from you, God, and I have no desire to bridge the gap between us today.
The music in the sanctuary sounds muffled and distant, blending with the singing voices as if I’m listening to them through a thick wall.
The thud of my heartbeat swallows every sound, a relentless reminder of how I feel—
Emp-ty,
Emp-ty,
Emp-ty,
Emp-ty.
Tears sting my eyes but they don’t fall as my frustration slowly gives way to desperation. Guilt surges through me as the pastor invites us to turn and embrace our neighbor.
To embrace another lost soul.
The pastor’s message slips through my fingers whenever I try to grasp it.
Forgive me, God, but my heart is too tired to listen.
I feel lost and beyond redemption. Hopelessness looms over me, threatening to come crashing down. The events of the week have left me in pieces, like roadkill picked clean to the bone by vultures.
I am a withered weed in a field of lush, vibrant flowers.
Who am I to you, God?
If you love me then why do you let bad things happen to me?
Do you hear me when I cry?
Questions boil in my heart, each one a burst that scalds my bones.
But then I feel it— a subtle feeling deep within me that prevents me from giving up. I cling to it tightly, like grasping a balloon string in the midst of a hurricane.
Hope. Purpose. Curiosity. Longing— words that are fragments of a puzzle with missing pieces, pieces that have yet to exist.
When I leave church I am still weary and unchanged. Yet, there’s a whisper so faint that I almost can’t distinguish it from my own thoughts:
“Keep seeking and you will find me. I already know where you are.”
-k.a.
“And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.”
Jeremiah 29:13 , NKJV
Authors Note:
I wrote this to share about a loving a God who sometimes feels distant and unjust.
Loving and revering God doesn’t make me immune to doubt, fear, and loneliness.
I still feel sadness, numbness, and anger.
Matter of fact, the same seats I’ve praised God in are also the same ones I’ve doubted and cursed Him in.
Loving God won’t guarantee answers or prevent difficult experiences. It’s about trusting Him despite them, believing that there is purpose for your pain. It’s finding solace in the fact that He loves you so much that He gives you the choice to love Him back.
I understand that many of you might not resonate with this, and most might not even finish reading. But I didn’t write this for views or for you. I wrote this because, despite my imperfections, I am still loved.
And you are too.
Love love love this:) I know this post will reach the right people! Love you
God is in you always. We all get fear and doubts but coming back to ourselves is where we find peace. Thank you for sharing