4 December 2022
For the longest time I felt like no one has had a word for me. I always had a yearning to be “called”. I thirsted for a word that would radically change my life. Instead, I’ve felt like I’ve lived my entire life halfway in the spotlight and halfway behind the scenes.
I feel selfish for wanting to know my life’s purpose—the meaning for it all. It seems like most people are receiving answers to their prayers, while mine are still pending. Boiling on the back burner. I thought the waiting season was supposed to feel like freedom, but instead I feel like I’m in bondage.
Exhausted. Hopeless.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve thanked God incessantly for how far He’s brought me, but it only takes one second for me to forget it all. I spend my days choosing to stew in bitterness in stead. I don’t want to, but I do and I feel so selfish about it, guilty even. As for now, I’m trying to evaluate my heart and my actions because I know that somewhere along the line I’m in the wrong, and it’s a frustrating and lonely place to be.
k.c.
For the vision is yet for the appointed [future] time It hurries toward the goal [of fulfillment]; it will not fail. Even though it delays, wait [patiently] for it, Because it will certainly come; it will not delay.
Habakkuk 2:3, AMP
Authors Note:
I wrote this 3 years to the date. I hold so much empathy for her—that woman who was waiting on her miracle. Ironically, I find myself again on Four December waiting on a miracle too. Circumstances have changed in some areas but the root is still buried deep. I believe that God is slowly peeling back the layers of my potential, and it wasn’t until this year that I’ve actually felt excited about the future again. But even with the new wave of excitement comes another open can of worms filled with the unknown. I have an idea of my calling but it’s not making too much sense. The timing feels weird, but I’m thankful all the same. It’s a relief, truly, to see that everything and not much has changed since Four December a few years ago. I think it’s a testament to God’s faithfulness, even when He hasn’t given me the answers to all of my endless questions. For now, I’ll continue to honor Him with the gifts He’s given me, because that’s the only way I know how to thank Him, even when the path feels dim.
Thank you for reading,
Kiana
