When buried beneath strong feelings, particularly negative ones, it’s almost impossible for anyone to dig me out—even myself.
Each attempt to escape feels futile, leaving me with dirt caked beneath my fingernails from trying to claw my way to the surface.
It’s a vicious cycle my mind has grown accustomed to, where validation, entitlement, and pride reside.
I deserve to feel this way.
Nobody understands.
They don’t know what it’s like.
I wield these excuses like a shield, ready to raise them against anyone who questions my sanity—or lack thereof.
I know that ruminating on these feelings creates a fertile ground for anxiety to take root and spread like a fungus, but if it were to grow flowers instead, would it make any difference? After all, don’t both grow from the same ground?
I think I’ve given myself Stockholm syndrome. My heart roams in search of freedom but I always return to my chains.
What if I leave and there is nowhere else to go?
Better to hide in a lie than live exposed in search for the truth.
liar.
-k.a.
“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked…”
Jeremiah 17:9, NLT
Authors Note:
Those are some of the lies I’ve lived with for a very long time. Sometimes they blur into a distorted version of my truth. This stronghold on emotions been passed down through generations. It was never about what I’ve done, but about what I’ve inherited. I had no choice in what was passed to me, but I do have a choice to end it.
That’s why I write with such vulnerability. I want to expose all the lies, the hurt, and fear. They hold no power once they’ve been brought to light.
Just because I’ve felt trapped in my feelings doesn’t mean they’re invalid. We’re all fighting invisible battles—not in flesh, but in spirit. Feelings are simply reminders that what I’ve lived through is real, but fleeting.
They can be complicated and scary and weird but they are also such a beautiful gift. I encourage you to let yourselves feel this week. Just for a little while.
Grateful to have opened my email today and read your post....things always seem to come just when I need it. Like you, I get 'buried' in all the negative that is unwantedly thrust upon my heart by generations of made-to-be-normal dysfunction...lies and hurt, and the expected responses....secrets and guilt. It is suffocating and depressing. However, like you...digging out, breaking cycles, and planting flowers; I am ending it with me. It is all healing and liberating! Appreciate your vulnerability shared here. Blessings on your journey. ~Wendy 💜
I love reading your authors note just as much as your writing. Writing is such a great coping mechanism. I teach my clients to journal hoping they will be as vulnerable, open, and honest as you are. Thank you again for sharing your talents and insight.